I need an honest and brutal (but constructive) opinion?

You are extremely talented. But when writing try not to use such flashy descriptive words. Mix in some figurative language and also some actual visuals to help paint a picture in your readers minds. Say what you mean and you may get more readers willing to bite. I know you defiantly know what your doing, but tone it down a little so that you don't run out of things to say and ways to say them. Mice tital by the way. Very creative. :)